A child asks for candy before dinner and while eating a candy bar the parent says, “No, it will ruin your dinner and rot your teeth.” What this child is learning is to “Do as I say not as I do.” I heard this once or twice growing up from a frustrated or exhausted parent.
As parents, we want our kids to learn to think and rationalize situations on their own. It can be confusing when an adult says the responsible thing about candy and dental care but does something impulsive like eating a candy bar before dinner. This parent-to-child dynamic reveals two types of logic: Kid-logic and parent logic.
The logic of a child builds on what they have learned. Kids learn that a stove can be hot so be careful and you won’t get burned. The logic of a parent encompasses their role of caregiver for a child and their personal childhood experiences.
Childhood lessons and experiences can temper our parenting. Things our parents did that we never understood can impact how and what we teach our kids. In order to not allow kid logic to bleed into parent logic. We have to be mentally strong as parents because the ultimate goal is to raise kids that make good sound choices in life. Here are 5 things mentally strong parents don’t do with their kids.
They don’t let kids live without responsibilities
A responsible kid breeds a responsible grown-up. Kids need to learn to become responsible. Responsibilities grow with age. Mentally strong parents don’t let their kids avoid responsibility at any age, no matter how small.
A 2-year-old can put away their toys because they recognize the familiar items they play with. A teenager can clean their room because they have learned to do laundry, make their beds, and put things in their place. This
increase in responsibility goes from the child’s room to the household they live in. So when parents request the dishes to be washed, a child knows the dishes they used for dinner need to be washed and ready for the next meal. One day they will have spaces of their own to maintain and building on those responsibilities at home is a must. Kid’s contributions help them become responsible adults.
They don’t parent out of guilt.
Letting a child do fewer chores because you feel guilty about requiring a child to something they feel is too advanced may come from parental guilt.
Meeting your child where they are is the easiest way to parent.
Mentally strong parents aren’t led by guilt or fear of making mistakes in their parenting. Pushing a child to their potential means a parent is aware of where their child is mentally. This push from a parent may be uncomfortable but necessary. They don’t parent out of guilt.
They don’t allow their lives to revolve around their kids.
A child’s life doesn’t revolve around their parents and vice versa. Mentally strong parents don’t make their child the center of the universe.
They don’t allow fear to dictate their choices.
It is possible that a child can express anger about a parent’s choice. But these times provide an opportunity for communication between parent and child. Fear should not lead any parent’s choice to restrict their child from people or situations they deem harmful. Parents can discuss the basis for their feelings but should not be fearful of how their thoughts are being received.
They don’t give their child power over them.
Veruca Salt from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory comes to mind as an example of a dynamic where the parent has given their power to the child. While visiting the magical chocolate factory, Veruca demands anything she desires from her father who was willing to spare no expense for her every whim.
Mentally strong parents are not going for that type of role reversal because they don’t have to accept it. Being a responsible parent means making clear and definitive decisions that don’t change like the wind. Imagine a hungry child riding in the car dictating to a parent what they want to eat. As they drive down a busy street filled with brightly colored restaurants, the child names one restaurant as their meal of choice; but then quickly changes their minds when the next restaurant with a fun kid’s meal is in sight. A parent could likely starve waiting for a final meal choice when the role of power is reversed.
They don’t expect perfection.
Children are in a perpetual state of learning. Mentally strong parents don’t expect their children to peak in everything. Growing pains are just that, an adjustment to learning new things. Socialization, education, and self-actualization are all challenging aspects of maturation for any child. Every child is different and how they become their best selves requires an awkward journey to that destination.
They don’t shield their child from pain.
Uncomfortable social situations with peers can be painful for a child. Kids can be relentless when other children stand out for any reason. Taller kids may endure not-so-flattering nicknames from their peers. That can be painful. Mentally strong parents don’t shy away from helping their kids work through painful feelings about insensitive nicknames. Model and mogul Kimora Lee Simmons recall being called chinky giraffe by her classmates due to her height and Asian ancestry. Her parents helped her learn to embrace what others said about her and she turned it into Fabulousity, also the name of her book where she recounts life lessons.
They don’t feel responsible for their child’s emotions.
Mentally strong parents don’t mirror the emotions of the children to connect with them. They help their children manage their emotions in a way that makes sense for them. A child feeling sad about losing their beloved pet hamster is understandable. A parent doesn’t need to have a formal funeral for the late hampster to mirror the sadness a child can feel at the loss of a pet.
They don’t prevent their child from making mistakes.
Kids that learn to make their own decisions also learn the consequences of their actions. If a child forgets their instrument for band or forgets to study for a test, that’s a mistake that they have to resolve. Mentally strong parents can talk with their kids afterward about their feelings and what they could do differently.
They don’t confuse discipline with punishment.
Mentally strong parents recognize discipline as a means for their children to understand the consequences of their actions. So a child that forgets to do their laundry may realize their favorite shirt still has a ketchup stain because of their actions. Using your cell phone at the dinner table, in spite of the house rules can earn a child two weeks without their cell phone.
They don’t take shortcuts to avoid discomfort.
Giving in when a child gives you puppy dog eyes to get out of taking out the trash is not an issue for mentally strong parents. A child complaining about taking out the trash may be annoying, but the point is to break kids out of unhealthy behavior.
They don’t lose sight of their values.
Parents value a stable home and provide financial and emotional stability for their children. Chores divided up among family members help to maintain that stability. Mentally strong parents realize that the hectic pace of life with work, school, sports, and miscellaneous activities all have their place. When one thing starts to upset familial stability, parents can refer to what’s important for their family and stand on those values for what comes next.
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