Is it difficult for you to let your walls down and stop being defensive? Do you want to meet people who match the quality that you seek in your personal relationships? Maybe your friendships are based in defensiveness.
Why do we get defensive?
Negativity
This negative mindset seems to creep into our social dynamic, almost without us knowing. Maybe you’re weary of local drama or conversations that are based in gossip and jealousy. These things are a real part of life and they kind of gnaw at us and cast a negative tone that brings us down slowly but surely. That type of negativity can certainly cause us to put our guard up and become defensive.
Detachment
Another common problem that people have is that they feel like even though it seems like they have friends and things going on in their life, there’s a certain quality of detachment that limits the potential of their relationships. Maybe you are someone who feels like no one really knows the real you. Is a defensive attitude to blame? Why does this happen and how does it affect your ability to make friends with quality people?
Lack of trust
One possibility is that defensive behavior stands in the way and makes it difficult to get close to people. Emotional closeness is about trust. There are different levels of that and friendship is definitely a few notches down from intimate relationships with family and romantic partners. But you would be surprised at how many people walk around shielding their true thoughts and feelings from other people for fear of being rejected or getting into a conflict.
Getting past defensiveness
If you would like to move past this defensive tendency, then a good thing to do would be to practice the following:
Get comfortable with speaking your mind
You may not even be used to saying your actual thoughts for fear of being rejected by your social group. And yet, being honest is the key. This is actually the first step in breaking away from people who hold you back from your full potential so that you can welcome a higher quality of friend into your life.
Work on delivery
If you’re afraid that others will disagree, work on improving your delivery. Softening your phrasing and tone goes a long way for not being off-putting to others. This way you can avoid causing an argument if that is not your intention. The better you get at this, the more open and less defensive you will become.
Become aware of the times when you get defensive and why
It’s possible that defensiveness is a dynamic of your current social group because people tend to knock each other down a peg and keep each other small? If this is not your idea of a great relationship, then begin to seek friendships outside of your circle.
Notice how much defensiveness is behind every conversation had between you and your current group
Are people easily offended? Do they one-up each other? Having to deal with defensiveness between friends is tiresome and stands in the way of real connection. It may be time to expand your circle and get used to being around a new social group of freely speaking, freely thinking, freely sharing individuals.
Once you begin to get back out there talking with new friends who may have some refreshing opinions and points of view, you might compare that to the talks you’ve had with your former group of friends to see the difference. When we learn to take down our defenses is when real personal growth happens.
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