The Validation vs Self-Worth Trap: How People-Pleasers Can Let Go

If you are a pleaser by nature then at times this fact about your own personality may bring you down. You might look around and see all that you give to others and wonder if anyone notices or cares.

Searching for Validation

People pleasers seek the approval of others. In fact, your sense of self-worth is often based on what others think.

So when you have done your best and it seems like no one is taking notice, it begins to affect your emotions. You might have a few different thoughts about it.

One, you may turn the blame inward. You might decide that you are an absolute pushover who takes crap from everyone and that you will likely spend your whole life getting used and abused.

Victim Mindset

This victim mindset will get you nowhere even if you are naturally a pleaser at heart, and thrive best in a service role. It’s not that the thoughts are preposterous. In fact, it’s probably wise to recognize that being a pushover is no good. It’s just that dwelling on the thought for too long won’t help you gain anything.

A Life Out Of Balance

Instead, what you should strive to do is regain equilibrium in your life and remember that you, too, have needs. You deserve to have those needs met by people who care about you and about your well-being.

Trying Too Hard

The other reaction you might have when it seems like no one is appreciating all you do is to try even harder. You might tell yourself that you could have done better, and deny yourself something of value as self-punishment for not living up to your own expectations.

Or if you have uncaring people in your life who constantly put you down and feed your people-pleasing tendency, then that might cause you to have anxious feelings and desperately seek their approval as a means of getting relief from those feelings.

You will try harder and harder only to find that others recognize your weakness and use it to get more from you than perhaps they deserve.

Finding Kindness in Unexpected Places

All of this sounds kind of pessimistic. But the truth is that all is not lost even if you are a pleaser who’s feeling desperate.

It’s worth noting that if you are a giver, sometimes the kindness that is returned to you doesn’t always come from where you might expect it.

You could be faced with having to deal with a selfish person in your life. You may give a lot to this person and feel like they’re simply using you because you’re an easy target who is eager to please.

But then a third party may come along and take notice of the effort that you put in. So at the point where you might be feeling taken advantage of, you actually can gain the respect of another in an unexpected way and from an unexpected place.

Feeling Invisible

People pleasers may sometimes feel invisible, but often that’s just an exaggerated emotion that lives inside of their own heads. The feeling invisible part comes from a need to have your self-worth validated by an outside party. That seems to be the programming of the people-pleasing personality.

Luckily though, there are observant people in the world who credit us in our various roles. So if you have been feeling put upon by someone who takes advantage of your giving nature, it’s only a matter of time before someone else recognizes you for the good you do.

There are always good and kind people in the world. People pleasers can find healthy, balanced, and fulfilling romantic relationships. They can get promoted at their jobs.

They can be entrusted with important work that brings meaning to the lives of others. They can be rewarded by those in a leadership position.

We must remember this even at those times when we feel as though as people-pleasers, we are giving in vain.

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