Why Are Difficult People So Often Two-Faced?

Are there difficult people in your life?

Do you have difficulty dealing with your partner, boss, coworker, or family member? If you have had to deal with difficult people, you have likely observed them act one way when higher-ups or lots of people are around and another when you’re alone with them or they are in a group of peers. Think Regina George in Mean Girls. Or the sibling, who acts sweet in front of parents while making life miserable for their siblings in secret.

Why are the being two-faced?

It’s easy to be thrown off by this flip-flopping behavior. This is known as “impression management” or “social masking”. Some people use their social masks to avoid conflict and put on a facade of perfection. Others use masks to get what they want. These social masks can be put on and taken off based on a person’s mood, situation, or audience. Social masking is common in real life, and in business.

If you observed a social masker, you notice that they are constantly checking out all of the people around them, observing how other people act, and calculating how. They may be strategizing what they want to say and what the possible response might be. They may be looking out for the signs that others are judging them. Both of these are triggers that can cause the difficult person to act in unexpected irrational or negative ways that leave you with the impression of them being two-faced.

The difficult people you care about likely have multiple sides to their character that the rest of the world never sees. Narcissistic personalities are famous for possessing a dual facade. This is due mainly to their awareness that they’d better appear to behave or continue to be called out for behaving badly. In the majority of circumstances, a therapist would not diagnose someone seen as a difficult person as having a severe personality disorder. The facade they use to ensure that very few people will ever know about the hidden, underbelly of their personality they employ to manipulate and control others can still negatively impact your well-being.

Two-facedness is formed in childhood

In childhood, most learn about consequences early on. They’re taught by parents, teachers, and caregivers from day one that if they break the rules they can be penalized by people in positions of authority. But while it’s easy to teach a child that undesirable behavior A results in undesired consequence B, it’s much less likely that you can actually teach someone who is inherently self-centered to want to avoid a certain behavior because it could cause pain and suffering to another. For that, there must be empathy, or the ability to feel someone else’s feelings. Most difficult people as we know them are typically low on empathy. So even as they’re going along manipulating for their own personal gain, they can’t fake empathy BUT they can certainly model those desired behaviors taught to them at a formative age.

This is why most difficult individuals use one face when dealing with the general public or when interacting with those they have to impress. Difficult people know the power that comes along with being socially connected and accepted, which is why they’re so careful about not slipping up to show the face of negativity when it could hurt their position socially or professionally.

Now you know and won’t be taken by surprise the next time a difficult person acts in unexpected ways. You can be prepared for the twists and turns of their behavior. Rather than being caught flatfooted, you can stay ready for their often nonsensical responses to situations.

Next: How to Stop Giving Difficult People Your Energy | Previous: Why Do Difficult People Play Mind Games?